Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #19

The doctor looked at Ron on utter horror. “You ran that poor fellow through? Just like that? Murdered him?”

Ron nonchalantly waved the doctor away. “Don’t be so dramatic. It’s not like I killed a person.”

The doctor shook his head vigorously, “Of course he was, don’t pretend to think otherwise. You know damn well that the natives of this area are people just like you and me.”

Ron looked curiously at the doctor as if he had said something very wrong. “You and I aren’t a like…”

The doctor continued. “Yes well obviously, but you can’t say he wasn’t a person.”

Ron sighed. “Okay fine, I murdered that native, but it’s not like he didn’t provoke me.”

“Oh?” the doctor, “How exactly was that?”

“I don’t quite recall.” Said Ron, “He was very disrespectful … untrustworthy. Look it doesn’t matter, gee it’s not like its permanent. Go get twenty five grand and I’ll get the super fag to true resurrect him. Not a big deal really…”

Ron’s voice trailed off before he continued, “Look can I get it on to the next bit. You’ll like it.”

The doctor seemed far from pleased but nodded none the less.

“Well we got Helga to do some scrying and divinations. It was a great effort. We knew that Asian guy from the island was probably nearby somewhere… what was his name? Yoshi or something? Stupid foreign names. You know, Chink Eyes? Can you check your notes? You probably wrote it down. “

 

The doctor frowned. “Never mind Ron I know who you are talking about. Go on”

“Right. So we found him, we found the camp, we scouted it with an arcane eye and then …” Ron laughed to himself almost gleefully. “We dimension doored in. It was the first time we tried that manoeuvre, we call it the teleporting murder squad trick.”

“Right … “the doctor still sounded highly unimpressed.

“I admit I just wanted to teleport in amongst the barracks and start killing but Helga got all squeamish. You know, as girls tend to be. I think she thought it was amoral or something to just teleport in and starting killing. Not sure I agree but in the end I liked her proposal better.”

Ron laughed again. “Instead we teleported in and gave them a chance.”

Again Ron laughed, it was almost a giggle. “It was just brilliant. I said ‘Alright you bunch of fags you got two minutes to get out of this city.’”

Ron continued laughing to himself, wiping tears from his eyes. “I loved it, it was a choice, but not really a choice. We knew they would attack and attack they did. What a blood bath.”

Ron sat glaring at Ron before shaking his head. “So you killed them all?”

Ron nodded. “Pretty much, Chinky died, the guard died, the gorillons and even their brainless boss… and I mean brainless. Like he had no brain, the victim of Intellect Devourer no less.”

“I see. “ said the doctor, “You seem very pleased with yourself.”

Ron nodded. “Yep. They put up an alright fight mind you. Turned out Chinky was pretty damn good in a brawl almost killed Szariel. Szariel was majorly buffed too, his usual spells plus cat’s grace and one of Dorian’s Shield of Faith spells PLUS fighting in his usually defensive stance, but it was no good. Got minced.”

Ron sniggered again, “Dorian almost forgot to heal him, almost let him bleed out, but he managed to save him just in a nick of time.”

“Naturally I killed the lions share, including Chinky and the boss, it was beautiful. Everyone was happy. Spikey was happy, Toothie was happy we were just one big happy family.”

“Right…” the doctor wrote some more notes in his journal. “We’ll have to have a chat about Spikey and Toothie someday, I strongly suspect they steered you down a very dark path indeed.”

Ron brushed the doctor’s comments away. “Now now, be nice, my familiar and sword are pretty nice, once when you get to know them.”

“Yes yes” the doctor said. “So what happened next?”

“We looted of course, and then went to the prison cells, where all those natives were being held captive.”

“And?”

“We released them of course. What else would we do? Leave them to starve with their keys left just tantalising beyond their reach? Or perhaps sell them? I was just joking when I said all that”

Ron laughed once more before continuing “No No. The super fag took charge, gave them some pansy words and sent them on their way, offering them refuge in our camp. They seemed pretty frightened of me and gave me a wide berth, seemed they didn’t understand my sense of humour.”

The tutted to himself and kept writing notes.

Ron shook his head seriously. “They were lucky though that I’m so strong willed, because Toothie … and spiky for that matter were mighty keen for me to kill them.”

The doctor sighed and asked Ron “And you insist that infernal sword is ‘nice’.?”

Ron nodded. “Yeah sure. Its not her fault that some pervert created her with the sole purpose of killing everything she sees.”

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #18

Ron shook his head, and continued talking, his mannerism was just a little too animated and it was clear to the doctor that Ron had been taking something.

“Well that snake bitch fled and we looted the corpse of the traitorous druid. I’m still not clear on why we were attacked, reckon she was on her rags. Filthy slag.”

“Anyway, to teach her lesson we ransacked her house, took anything we could sell and then went off and killed her pet basilisks. They were weak as piss and didn’t last long, there was a minor hiccup with Helga getting turned into stone. But Szariel stepped up with some obscure trivia about basilisks, if you smear their blood all over a petrified person it reverses the process. Turned out to be true…” Ron sniggered to himself.” It was kind of fun slicing them up and bleeding them dry. We saved Helga and had enough blood to save some of the other victims that were there. We choose the non-native types and …”

The doctor almost apologetically raised a hand to interrupt. “So why the non native types?”

Ron paused with a mild look of surprise, as if the answer should’ve be obvious before continuing with his story.

“We choose the non-native types and  told them to head back to our camp for protection. That was out of the goodness of our hearts too, saving them statue people, we could’ve just looted them instead but no. We saved them. As I’ve been telling you, we are practically a party of paladins.”

The doctor rolled his eyes, “Yes Ron if you say so.”

“So we took those pathetic fools back to our camp and went to see Julliver, that crazy feebleminded bitch we rescued. She’d finally gathered her senses enough to explain what happened to her, which quite frankly was very vague. She did yammer on a fair bit and I got distracted by her tits. Long story short, she escaped from some place … another city I think, through a magical portal and left her friends behind. She wanted us to help her to go and rescue them, which was fine by me. I didn’t even ask for a reward.”

Ron sent a beaming almost angelic smile to the doctor. “See again that’s the Paladin stuff for you.”

“Anyway, she wanted us to track her feebleminded journey back to wherever she came from. So that’s what we did. It was easy and we found an open door in a cliff that went into underground cave system. Inside were all sorts of things waiting to be killed; mostly those pathetic ketches (though Szariel seemed to cop a beating from them).  We discovered that they had invaded the complex and were at war with some weird looking bat race. “

“The bat race were just as pathetic, we spoke to them and tried to get some information but they were too dim witted to give an accurate account of the place. I told them not to bother speaking anymore and that we were going to search the place on our own and don’t get in our way.”

“So they pretty much fled the place. And there you go doc, paladin act number three. No slaughter of bat people.”

“After that there was golem, which I bombed into oblivion and giant slug which we diced. That bloody slug got me good though, bit globule of acid.”

“Finally we found something interesting, a room with a painting of the city of that we were in, except it was from a long time ago. It also depicted a painting with a seven gem stones around. Anyway we were pondering what it meant when bloody Dorian had to rub his poofter hands all over it. Set of a nasty trap. Fire rained down upon us, and it hurt too. Almost burnt Dorian into a crisp and Szariel too who really seemed to be caught off guard despite his professed specialty in being trap resistant. The fire kept burning too, I managed to put the fires out on Dorian, however Szariel almost died. Seemed his reflexes weren’t as good as he thought, lucky for him he had a few bardic tricks to save him. Even his kukri almost melted, though I think he was secretly pleased because he had made the effort to put an impervious enchantment on his kukri.”

“Oh and almost forgot to mention, that slut Julliver died. Stupid bitch, she was awfully rude to me all the time and refused to do anything sexual with me. Served her right, but lucky for her my paladin code kept me honest and I told everyone that we would bring her back, but no raise dead spell, I wanted a reincarnate spell. She needed to be taught a lesson and hopefully she would come back as something ugly with a low self esteem. And there you go, Paladin act number four. “

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #17

Doctor Monroe sat listening to Ron with a less than pleased expression on his face. So far Ron and pretty much ignored all of his probing questions. Instead Ron babbled on with an uncomfortable amount of pride about his exploits in the ancient ruined city.

“You see, at first the inhabitant of each district put up a good fight, but as we progressed I think our reputation preceded us. We started encountering token resistance while the rest of the population disappeared into hiding. Sure there were the arrogant and the stupid that met us in battle, but the common folk, the grunts and infantry seemed to have better sense. Scattering to the four winds.”

The doctor opened his mouth as if to comment but Ron pressed on with his story.

“But the snake people. Oh it was glorious. I’d been wanting to kill those fuckers for some time, but Szariel kept objecting, fearing the centre of the city would be the greatest challenge. Oh how wrong he was. At first we skulked around, island hoping to avoid main island but eventually I put my foot down. No more girlie business. Szariel was unusually quiet that day and he didn’t put up the usual objections.”

“So we flew straight there, first we discovered a weird building shaped like a giant snake egg, we went in prepared for a battle but found it deserted. Just rags and butchered body bits. Next we went to the spire, via the main promenade and sure enough we found them.”

“There were fifty of the fuckers all lined up in a military parade listening to some human looking sorcerer who claimed to be their god. He spoke with way too much zeal and said ‘Zieg Heil’ an awful lot.”

“So there we were 5 of us, against 50 of the ancient snake people. The very same that once ruled these lands. As brazen as you like we started walking up the promenade until we were  spotted. Their hyperventilating ‘god’ almost had a brain aneurysm as he cursed and demanded our heads.”

Ron laughed to himself in glee, he almost had dreamy look on his face.

“And then it was on. Most of them started running straight to us. I waited long enough to for a good hope spell and a blessing of fervor and then I went at them. You see, knowing the snake people would be a common adversary I had taken the time to craft myself a special amulet of snake people bane. It worked a treat and I cut swath from them.”

Ron looked at the doctor. “Now I know what you are thinking, these snake people were just like most other humanoid races right? Where the common grunt is easy to kill right? Well no, they’re not like human, elves or goblins. They are not easy to run through, even for me I would need to hit them 2 to 3 times. But that did not stop me,  oh no. “

“I left a path of dead snake people, right up to where their ‘god’ was waiting. I think only one of them managed to lay a hand on me, but he was impaled upon my thorn body spell for his troubles. How truly pathetic they were, they even resorted to doing some kind of drunken mime artist maneuver, dodging this way and that trying to avoid me from maiming them. Heh. I don’t think I missed once. ”

The doctor cleared his throat. “Well um Ron, as much as I love hearing how proficient you are at taking sentient life, surely it was not all your heroics that won the day.”

Ron scoffed. “Not far off of doctor, but hey I know my place in this world. I don’t pretend to think I am invincible. But since you asked … let me think. Helga. Well she summoned two hound archons that quite ably managed to distract two platoons of snake people. In case you don’t know, hound archons are kind of like half angels and half Labradors. I’ll leave it to your imagination to how they came about. Anyway the only thing that kept them alive was their angel skin that these stupid snake people struggled to penetrate.  Helga also threw some lightning bolts around to soften them up a bit and she kept their ‘god’ busy by soaking up some spells while I cut my way towards him.”

“Dorian, well he flitted and pranced about the place in his usual homo way. Used a wind wall to help screen himself from javelins and juggled a handful spiritual weapons around the place. The sorcerer god had spell resistance and he had a torrid time getting through it. Also threw in a flame strike at one point and dispel led the ‘gods’ shield spell.  Oh and some emergency healing for Szariel and Helga as well.”

“Szariel, well after his good hope spell, he showed off a newly acquired spell. A wall of sound that surrounded one of the platoons, but they just marched through it, took a cacophony of sound blasts in the process which weakened them enough for one the Labrador angels to stand a chance in killing some. He also showed off his new rod of intensify, blasting a few snake people with another one of his sound blast spells. After that it was pansy arrow time, he’s not bad mind you for a part-time archer, it just that he needed about  4 or 5 shots take out a snakeman where I did it in 2 or 3. Eventually the snake people got close to him and hurt him bad, so he scuttled of into the distance to save himself and tried sniping snake people from a great range.”

“Gelik, will he did exactly what we expected of him. Funny jokes and an invisibility spell. Worked a treat. He’s a good boy my little buddy.”

The doctor nodded. “I see. And AJ?”

Ron looked momentarily confused. “Oh didn’t I tell you? We misplaced him. Woke up one day and realised he was missing. We then remembered we left him asleep underwater. He had a dominate spell on him and couldn’t be trusted to be awake. This was back when we were fighting the underwater fish illusionist. When we went back he wasn’t there anymore. His sleep would have run out way before his underwater breathing spell ran out, so we’re pretty sure he didn’t drown. Stupid fool probably wandered off somewhere in his ensorcelled state.”

Ron shrugged. “These things happen.”

The doctor sighed and shook his head, writing something down in his notebook. “And the god? Did you kill him.”

Ron nodded. “Mostly though Helga stole my kill. Stupid hag. Anyway I reamed him good. Death by bombs. It’s the way of new magic doc. While Dorian struggled battling spell resistance, I suffer no such thing with my bombs. Oh how wizards of old must roll in their graves. Bang bang bang. I’d just learned how to prime and deliver my bombs with greater speed, thanks to Dorian’s blessing of fervor I could throw a torrent of bombs in a blink of any eye. The poor snake god never stood a chance. He was left teetering, Szariel from afar tried to snipe him but missed … Dorian missed with his spiritual weapon but Helga got him with her Ice Tomb hex, she didn’t trap him but he died from the avalanche of ice anyway.

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #16

“So lets talk about Saventhi Yhi.”

Ron nodded then reached inside his coat and pulled out a hip flask. He casually unscrewed the top and took a swig of the foulest and cheapest whisky money could buy.

The doctor immediately protested. “Ron! No alchohol.”

Ron talk another drink then said. “You said no drugs not alcohol.”

The doctor vigorously shook his head and started to speak, “But alcohol is …”

Ron held up his hand. “Just hold it right there doc. I don’t want to hear it. Ask your stupid questions but don’t go telling me I can’t drink this.”

The doctor started to interject but Ron pressed on. “Alright then. Thanks doc. Cheers” And he took a third swig relishing the crude taste of his whisky.

The doctor glared at Ron, but Ron remained resolute, calmly taking a fourth drink from his bottle. Eventually the doctor relented. “Fine. Then tell me about Saventh Yhi.”

“Well the place was kind of like a zoo. It had all these different areas you could visit to see different animals and people; expect it was more like a safari and we could kill as much as we wanted. So yeah. It was fun.”

“Fun? “ asked the doctor. “You enjoyed the killing?”

Ron took another drink from his flask; with dismay he could feel it was almost empty. He didn’t feel there was much point in making it last, so he finished it off, screwed the cap back on and put it back into his pocket. Thankfully it was an everlasting flask of bad whisky and he knew it would refill its self soon enough. Noticing that the doctor was still waiting for a response, Ron sighed. “Look doctor, maybe you need to read over your notes again. We’ve been all over this stuff. Yes I enjoy killing. No I don’t know why and No, usually I don’t kill without good reason. Can we get to whatever heinous act I’ve done that you want to hyperventilate about?”

The doctor gave Ron a reproachful look. “Alright then I will, lets start with the Monkey Men?”

Ron scowled. “Treacherous little fuckers, I’m still waiting for my tribute. So what crime did I commit?”

“You made a deal with them. Leave them alone and they’ll leave you alone.”

Ron shrugged. “So? Listen they were going to cause trouble, deal or no deal. So we preemptively broke the deal before they could break it.”

“Really? You knew that for sure?”

Ron nodded. ‘Yep we knew for sure and we acted on it.”

The doctor shook his head. “No you didn’t. There is no way you knew. You never gave them a chance, you attacked them without mercy.”

Ron smiled. “Actually No. They attacked us first when we approached their keep.”

The doctor shook his head. “You were fully buffed and had nothing but murder on your mind.”

Ron smiled again and gave the doctor an innocent look. “Murder? There was nothing of the sort on our mind. We weren’t skulking around killing people while they slept. We went their openly in force, they chose to start a fight. Big difference doctor.”

The doctor shook his head. “You made no attempt to parlay. “

At that point Ron remembered his flask and took it out again. Sure enough it was full and he took a long drink.”

“Look doctor we didn’t get the chance, but I’ll be honest, we weren’t going to try. Those filthy flea munchers needed to die. Plain and simple.”

“You know in a way they are people too. They have families, live their lives and try to make their place in this world. Who are you to decide they need to be exterminated?”

Ron almost burst out laughing. “You are talking about the monkey men right? They are evil to core and will kill every human in this world if they could.”

The doctor shook his head. ‘You don’t know that Ron. They are sentient beings, they can think and feel. They could learn to become …”

This time Ron did laugh. “Are you serious? What become like us? What the hell is up with you today? You not getting any from your wife or any of your pretty nurses?”

 Ron shook his head. “You city types are all alike. You live in your neat little townhouses, wine and dine and drink your fancy coffees. I got news for you. You are living off the spoils of your ancestors. We humans have killed and massacred our way to superiority. That’s what we do. That’s why we have spread across every continent. Yeah sure we tolerate some minority races, elves, dwarves, midgets, whatever, but only because they are pathetic. If you want a race of monkey bucklers why don’t you go off and subjugate them yourself.”

The doctor was momentarily stunned into silence. “Ah well Ron, that isn’t what I …”

Ron gave the doctor hard stare. “Monkey men cannot be trusted. They ripped us off our tribute and our monkey butler fled at the first opportunity he got. They are trouble.”

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #15

Doctor Monroe sat quietly reading through a series of journals and papers; it made for disconcerting reading and he held a deep frown.  Ron lay back on the reclining coach resting his worn adventuring boot on the arm rest. The boots were deeply stained with what the doctor could only assume was blood.

Ron was happily eating his way through a large bag of imported pistachios, rudely spitting the hard shells across the room into the bin. So far he hadn’t missed.

Finally the doctor spoke. “I don’t know what to make of this account Ron, some of your actions were very troubling; the only positive thing is that you seem to have made an effort to befriend someone for the first time.”

Ron rolled his eyes and kept eating his ways through his bag of pistachio’s. Silence followed, broken only by Ron’s loud eating and the sound of the shells hitting the Doctor’s waste paper basket.

The doctor watched Ron eating and shook his head in dismay. “You certainly are a stubborn one Ron. I don’t want to insult your intelligence by making more threats. So could we agree to keep this short. You answer my questions truthfully and honestly and you can leave early today.”

Ron merely shrugged as if he didn’t care.

“How did you feel when Nitchie and Dinosaur girl died?”

“I felt bad.” Ron answered.

“So bad that you drank the blood of Nitchie?” asked the doctor.

“Nope. I just felt bad, his blood didn’t have anything to do with it and if you must know I injected his blood into me.”

The doctor nodded. “Yes the blood transcription spell. Did you know that spell is banned under the Iomedae convention?”

“No doctor I didn’t.” answered Ron. “Maybe if that poofter Titus hadn’t abandoned us I might have known. “

“Do you know why it is banned?” asked the doctor.

“Don’t know, probably because Iomedae is a hypocritical bitch permanently on her rags.”

The doctor ignored Ron’s foul abusive statement and continued speaking. “Well the spell is believed to have devilish origins, a gift from Asmodeus .”

Ron shrugged. “So?”

“So it is therefore considered an evil spell.” Answerd the doctor.

Ron exhaled a long impatient sigh. “Whatever doc, so its okay to fireball, dominate or put to sleep your foes so that you can safely slit their throats but you can’t drink or inject a bit of someone’s blood. What a load of shit.”

“The spell rips the magical secrets from the corpses of wizards and clerics.”

“So?” Ron repeated.

“It takes something from someone using foul necromancy.” the doctor replied.

Once more Ron sighed. “No actually it’s a divination spell, just like a detect thoughts spell, which, by the way, can also steal magical secrets from wizards and clerics.”

The doctor paused to think before retorting, “Atleast the detect throughts spell doesn’t require the person to be dead.”

“Okay, “ said Ron, ‘but what about the Speak with Dead spell then, plus its necromancy. Why don’t the hyperventilating Paladins of Imoedae ban that one then? Besides I would’ve thought stealing something from a living person is much worse than looting from a corpse. And on that subject, I’m sure plenty of paladins have gleefully looted the dead bodies of their vanquished foes.”

“But Ron, “ the doctor said, “I’m pretty sure Paladin’s don’t go drinking the blood of their victims.”

Ron snarled and shook his head. “So? ‘Their loss then. Bloody spineless hypocrites, it’s just so much more honorable to bludgeon and smash people to death, take their stuff but Oh No drinking their blood is just too horrific.”

“Alright Ron, “ said the doctor in a calming voice. “You’ve made your point, but you drank the blood of your own comrade; a man that led you through the Mwangi Expanse to the Monkey City. Did you feel no remorse? No respect for what he did? Did you really think it was appropriate?”

Ron gave the doctor a crooked smile and shook his head. “Hey I was the one that wanted to use a raise dead scroll to bring one of them back. I was the one that cut their hands off in case we could get them resurrected.”

The doctor shook his head, ‘But you also looted their bodies, left them to rot … and drank their blood. How would you feel if they did that to you?”

Ron laughed. “I’d say go right ahead. Only too happy to help. Dead people are dead, they don’t care about their blood or what they are wearing. As for looting, Doctor, I thought you had studied us adventurers? We take everything of value, even if it’s bolted to the floor.”

“Hmm , “ the doctor sounded. “Clearly I’m not going to sway your argument, but you need to understand that most people see that kind of things as disrespectful.”

“I’m not most people.” Ron quickly replied.

“Evidently not.” Said the doctor.

There was more silence, broken once more by the sound of pistachio shells hitting the bin. Finally Ron spoke. “Okay I answered honestly can I go now?”

“Alright. See you tomorrow then.”

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #14

“So Ron, tell me about Gelik.” Doctor Monroe quietly asked

Ron grunted and scratched his chin, “Gelik is a gnome.”

The doctor nodded. “Come on Ron, you know I know that. Tell me about how you met him …”

“I met him a long time ago on a really stupid island…”

The doctor shook his head, “No Ron. I was going to ask how you meet him in the monkey city.”

“Oh. That’s easy;  a chicken shit pathfinder dumped his body with us then ran away.”

The doctor nodded. “Yes I know he ran because you scared him.”

Ron laughed to himself. “I know, he looked like a man to me, but he must have had a vagina.”

“Be that as it may Ron, tell me what happened when Gelik woke up.” The doctor asked

Ron shrugged. “To be honest I don’t quite remember; all I remember was being highly agitated. I was bored. AJ was harping on about defenses and tar pits it was driving me up the wall. Then there was Dorian having a girlie little giggle about shitting on the stairs. They’re all a bunch of freaks. I really don’t get why none of them are here.”

The doctor took a few moments to slowly read through some of his notes; after a while he seemed to find what he was looking for. “Let me see … Ron abused Gelik before suddenly smashing him with his morning star. It was a totally unprovoked attack.” The doctor looked back up at Ron, “Does that sound about right?”

Ron shrugged if not caring. “If you say so, though I bet it wasn’t unprovoked, the little bastard probably earned it. As I said I don’t clearly remember. I don’t think I was at my best that day.”

The doctor’s ears pricked up, “What do you mean not your best? Do you often have days like that.”

Ron closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Yes … I mean I don’t know. Aren’t you listening?  I was agitated. AJ and Dorian were pissing me off. The whole thing was pointless. Everyone was acting weird.”

“Weird? In what way?” the doctor queried

Ron exhaled a long sigh before answering the doctor. “Well I don’t understand what happened with the snakeman”

The doctor looked up confused, “You mean Szariel?”

Ron quickly shook his head. “No not Szariel … well yes … he was part of it but not him. Szariel isn’t really a snakeman anyway. He’s really just a human with some throwback genes.”

“Ron.” The doctor interjected. “You’re really not making much sense. What on earth are you talking about.”

Ron took another breath. “Well things were good. I was … liking the way things were going. We were exploring, looting, killing off stupid creatures that had no right to be living and then suddenly Szariel invites a snakeman to join us. He offered him our treasure … my share of treasure. I couldn’t understand why? He was trouble, I could see it. We should’ve killed him on sight, but we let him join us.”

“Okay … “ the doctor said. “So go on, how did that make you feel? Were you jealous?”

Ron glared at the doctor. “Would you fuck off with your stupid “how do you feel “ questions.  Why would I be jealous of a snakeman. He was trouble. I knew it, but no one would listen to me. Eventually I told it to fuck off and it did. I should’ve killed him as he left. I don’t get why I didn’t do that, I knew it wasn’t over, I knew he would be back.”

“Well Ron, cutting a defenseless person without provocation is basically murder. ..”

“He was a mage, he was hardly defenseless…” Ron retorted.

The doctor shook his head, “nevertheless he was walking away, not doing you any harm, so it would’ve been murder.”

Ron shook his head with firmly set jaws. “I knew he was up to no good, he was planning something. He knew it and I knew it. I should’ve attacked him there and then, but suddenly  everyone else had gone all soft. That’s what happens when you have a half-queer hanging around too long. You catch what he’s got.”

The doctor wrote something down in his book before speaking. “Ok Ron, but what does this have to do with Gelik?”

“Well the snakeman came back, tried to kill us. So I was right… I got mind controlled… “ Ron spat on the floor of the doctor’s office.

“Ron!” The doctor objected. ‘Please don’t do that. That’s a genuine Chelaxian Rug.”

“… sorry Doc, don’t like mind control …  eventually I broke free of it and me and AJ killed the snakeman.”

“That’s fantastic Ron, but getting back to Gelik.”

Ron scowled in annoyance. “yeah yeah. Look if you want me to get all pissed off, you are going about it the right way. My point is we should’ve killed the snakeman. Everyone should’ve known that.”

“Well … “, the doctor began to speak but Ron held up his hand and cast an angry glare towards him.

“THEN, when we were in that stupid snake temple; Chinkie and his friends came along. I tried to lure them into a trap but Dorian screwed it up so they fled. We should’ve hunted them down and killed them too.”

“Well how … “, the doctor started but again he was cut off by Ron.

“So add AJ’s anal fixation with fortifying the temple and Dorian being a poofter, then Gelik shows up. He starts mouthing off … well screw it I think. There’s been enough non-killing. So I smash him down. Every one of those other groups are out to get us, they wouldn’t hesitate to kill us yet suddenly we are all oooh can’t do that, that would be wrong.”

“I’m not a violent man Doc … well wait no. Look I’m not some kind of murder vagrant. I don’t kill people for no reason. I’m not interesting in killing people just because I can, but gees it was getting ridiculous. I didn’t know what was going on.”

Ron stood up, clearly agitated and started to pace the room. “It’s not like they were innocent, they weren’t babies or pregnant women. They were warriors and it was meant to be a fight to the death to get to the Savanth Yah. This was a man’s game.”

“Okay Ron, it’s okay I understand what you are saying. You felt the rules had changed…”

“Yes!” Ron said.

“It made you feel uncomfortable.”

“Yes!” Ron said again.

The doctor paused and watched Ron pace.  “I think you had started to feel like you were fitting in Ron”

Ron momentarily stopped and looked at the doctor in annoyance but he said nothing and continued to pace.

The doctor continued to watch Ron for a while before continuing , “But Gelik didn’t die did he? He was immediately rescued by Dorian.”

Ron nodded.

“After that you apologized to him.”

Ron nodded again without speaking.

“You apologized because you felt bad about what happened.” The doctor theorized.

Ron continued to pace though he had started to clench his teeth.

“Perhaps you felt embarrassed about what you did? Perhaps you felt you had lost face with your friends.”

Ron clenched his fists, his neck veins were starting to show.

“This is what I have been trying to get out of you Ron. Clearly you are not completely without empathy. You felt something, knew you had crossed a line…”

Finally Ron exploded. “I said no more of that pansy love-in stuff. Bloody hell. We were adventurers, not bloody wet nurses.”

With that Ron spat once more on the doctor’s Chelaxian Rug then stormed out of the office.

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #13

“So Ron last time we spoke about empathy, about understanding how others feel. I’d like to continue where we finished.”

Ron looked at the doctor with mild disbelief. “Heh? I thought you admitted you got that all wrong?”

The doctor shook his head. “No Ron …”

Ron quickly interjected. “Yes you did. You said I was right, that women liked being abused.”

“Ron!” The doctor sharply cut in, “I said no such thing.”

“But, “ Ron insisted. “ You admitted, said I was right. That women …”

The doctor held up his hand. “Ron please. I merely conceded that the example I used about what happened to the women held captive by the succubus wasn’t right for you.”

“But … “ Ron started protest however the doctor held up his hand.

“Ron, lets not go over all that again. Look I wanted to talk to you about the natives you rescued from the monkey people. The ones that were going to sacrificed.”

“Heh? Why?” Ron asked.

“You were quite abusive to them.”

Ron looked confused. “What do you mean? We saved them. How is that being abusive?”

“Well …” The doctor began. “My understanding is that you insulted and tormented them.”

“What the hell?” exclaimed Ron, starting show signs of agitation. “Where do you get this crap from? I didn’t torture them, what a load of bull.”

The doctor held his hand up again as if willing Ron to calm down. “Ron  I never said anything about torture. You were rude to them, insensitive. You showed no sympathy or sorrow for what they had been through.”

Ron rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. “Doc, I really got no idea what you are talking about. Whereever you got your information from its wrong. We rescued them, then sent them on their way. What else was I to do? Pick some flowers for them. Seriousily, we rescued them, if they wanted their cocks sucked or something they only needed to ask Dorian.”

“Ron!” exclaimed the doctor again. “I really am getting tired of that language.”

“Well I’m getting really tired of your language.” Ron retorted.

The doctor held up his hands once more. “Look Ron, do you really not know what I’m talking about? Do you remember what you said to one of the survivors?”

Ron shook his head in dismay. “What the hell are you going on about Doc? And why would I bother remembering anything I said to people like that.”

“Ok Ron. You questioned them about their friend. The one that got burnt alive.”

“So?”

“You kept asking what it was like, whether their friend screamed? Pressed for graphic details.”

“So?”

The doctor gave Ron a serious look. “So how do you think that made them feel?”

“I don’t know. It was just a question. Look can you stop beating around the bush and just tell me what it is I said that was abusive?”

“Ron. That was it. You kept asking about the death of their friend. That was a little abusive. Most definitely unsympathetic and insensitive.”

Ron just stared at the doctor with a look of utter disbelief.

“Ron this is what I was talking about. Empathy. Understanding how someone might feel.”

Ron continued to stare at the doctor with a vacant look. It was clear he completely did not understand what the doctor was trying to tell him.

“Ron do you really not understand? When someone loses someone close to them  … in such circumstances, asking for details like did they scream? Or how long did they last? Did their skin melt off? Well its just not done Ron. Its not right. You shouldn’t do that.”

“It was just a few questions.  I was curious.”

The doctor shook his head. “This is my point Ron. A normal person doesn’t behave that way.  This is why you struggle to make connections with people.”

“I’m not gay.” Said Ron.

The doctor shook his head. “Don’t start that Ron. This has nothing to do with sex. Infact, can we please not talk about sex anymore. You only understand the physical nature of sex, their other things beyond the physical.”

“I know that doc. I’ve fought the incorporeal.”

“Ron, cut it out. You are doing this deliberately”

“Doing what” complained Ron. “Seriousily I think you are on drugs. And where do you get this stuff from.”

“Look Ron” said the doctor. “Can you imagine someone close to you? Someone you loved? Your Mother? Wife? Anyone? Can you imagine them dying in a horrible way.”

“I don’t need to imagine anything. I know heaps of horrible ways to die. Like eating someone alive, ripping someone limb to limb…”

“Ron. Please. We don’t need to know those details. You have to think of someone close to you.”

“What like you are now, what less than a few feet.”

“Ron, your slipping into old habits …”

“Where did you get this information from anyway? What I said to those niggers,” queried Ron

“RON! For now on that word is banned. No tell me someone you loved. One of your wives? You second one maybe?”

“It was Szrariel wasn’t it?”

The doctor continued to ignore what Ron said. “Your second wife Toothie. The half-orc prostitute, I believe you did care for her…”

“No it was Titus wasn’t it?” Ron queried.

“Ron. It wasn’t anybody. And Titus wasn’t there.”

Ron continued to press. “AJ. Oh I’m going to fuck him up.”

“Ron it wasn’t AJ. It wasn’t anybody. Now…”

“Then how? Ah! A legend lore spell.”

The doctor sighed. “Yes. Precisely a legend lore spell. Now back to what we were talking about.”

Ron whistled. “Woah. That’s an expensive spell. How did you afford it?”

The doctor closed his eyes and rubbed his temple. “Yes it was very expensive. Now can we get back to talking about understanding feelings.”

Ron sat back on the couch contentedly. “You bought that spell just for? That’s the nicest thing anyone has done for me. I choose you. I’ll imagine you dying in horrible way. So what do you want me to do now?”

“No, I’d think I prefer you think of Toothie…”

“No screw that bitch. I’ll imagine you dying doc. So what’s next?”

The doctor shook his head. “I don’t think this is going to work.”

“Come on doc, you got me interested. What do I do next?”

“Forget it Ron.” The doctor looked both dejected and frustrated.

Ron continued on regardless. “Okay so a snake man is slowly skinning you alive, using this unholy dagger that sends evil energy convulsing through you. You are screaming in pain. It goes on for a whole hour. You watch in horror as you see your skin being peeled off before you.”

The doctor sternly spoke. “Ron. Please stop this. This is not the side I want to see of you. I wanted to ask how you would feel if some came up afterwards and asked for in-depth details.”

Ron gave the doctor a baffled look then said. “Well I’d tell them.”

The doctor shook his head. “This is a real problem Ron…”

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #12

Ron was in a buoyant mood, happily recounting his exploration of the ruined city of the monkey men.

“…talk about a disappointment. Treasure was scarce and the place was filled with those useless monkey men. What a waste of space those things were. They reminded me of the vege-pygmy things; lots of potential but no ambition. Give them a human brain and they could dominate every plane to hell and back. When they got worked up they could move really fast, like knocking back a haste potion.  Instead they live their lives smelling each other’s bum and sacrificing black people to snake gods. Pathetic really, but I enjoyed killing them, even started to like the taste of them; fleas and all.”

“And the ruins … not much to tell really, ramshackle old buildings made by the fucked up snake people. Tell you what though the snake people … they tasted much better than monkey men, kind of like chicken except better. Hmm. Should’ve kept some of those fuckers alive; could’ve started a farm. “

Ron quietly laughed to himself, “Any way where was I? Oh yeah, the dumb ruins. They weren’t really  built by the snakemen but their slaves. And guess who the slaves were? Yep, the useless smelly locals. Seriously these natives give human’s a bad name.  Useless back then and useless now. I’ve lost count of the number of times we’ve saved some useless black arse. “

The doctor cleared his throat and interjected. “Well Ron, it may surprise you to learn that just about every adventurer I have interviewed has expressed similar views…”

Ron nodded. “Yep useless black…”

“No…” the doctor continued quickly. “I mean adventurers from the north, Cheliax, Varisia and beyond. There are always … “ and the doctor held his hands up mimicking quotation mark, “… useless people that need saving. I did a paper once on the hubris of the adventurer.”

Ron looked momentarily confused. “You mean there a black people getting saved in the far north?’

The doctor shook his head. “No I don’t mean black people. I mean normal folk of any colour or creed. People not trained in sword play, magic or alchemy.  Farmer’s, baker’s and merchants. Innocent victim’s of the nefarious scheme’s of others.”

Ron still looked a little confused. “Gee Doc, you’ve lost me. I was talking about the useless natives and how they always need saving.”

The doctor shook his head. “Yes I know, but that’s my point. Its not because they are black that they are ‘useless’ its because they aren’t trained in combat and war. They can’t defend themselves from those that have chosen to prey upon them. If your adventures had taken place in Varisia or Cheliax, the people you would’ve been saving wouldn’t have been dark skinned.”

“Look Ron, you …”

Ron held up his hands. “Hang on Doc, that’s not right. The native’s we saved often were hunters and warriors. You certainly don’t find bakers or merchants much amongst the blacks, not even farmers.”

The doctor quickly shook his head. “Yes may be they were warriors, but nowhere near as skilled as you  are.”

Ron rolled his eyes but the doctor continued on. “The many adventurers I interviewed held a great disdain for the local constabulary or military. Often they needed rescuing and were often described as weak and ineffectual in combat. Adventurers do not seem to make any distinction between commoners and guards or soldiers. All equally useless and beneath them.”

Ron opened his mouth to speak but hesitated momentarily as if lost for words. “Well what about the chick with the dinosaur ... can't quite remember her name, anyway she was white and a little girl when she was abandoned. She did just fine. Got her self a dinosaur and survived quite nicelessly.”

The doctor frowned, “That doesn’t a proof anything either way. It’s one example she could just as easily have been black.”

Ron furrowed his eyebrows in doubt, clearly unconvinced. “Don’t know about that doc.”

The doctor continued. “Look Ron, you need to challenge some of the perceptions you hold. Learn to see things a little differently. Like see things from someone else’s point of view. Think like someone else”

“Why would I want to think like someone else?” Ron asked, clearly baffled.

“Well so that you could understand how they would feel.”

Ron stared at the doctor with a blank vacant look while the doctor continued. “Its called empathy Ron. It’s a very important social skill and allows people to build relationships with each other.”

Ron shook his head in confusion. “You want me to have relationships with black people. Like sex?  I’ve done that heaps…”

The doctor shook his head. “No. No. No I don’t mean specifically black people.”

“…but I’ve also had …”

The doctor held his hand out for Ron to stop speaking. “I don’t mean sexual relations. I just mean understanding how people feel. Why they might be frightened or put off by how you act or insulted by what you say.”

“But why would I care?” asked Ron.

“That’s just the point Ron. You should care or you should atleast try to care. Take for example the young ladies you saved from the succubus. How did you think you treated them after that.”

Ron tilted his head dismissively. “Pretty well I should I expect; we did after all save their lives.”

“No Ron you verbally abused them with sexual innuendo.”

“So? What of it? Was just making small talk. Would you rather I have killed them? I’m sure if you asked them they would be extremely grateful to be alive.”

“But Ron, even so, why would then demean them after saving their lives.”

“I didn’t demean anyone. “

“You propositioned them, asked them to take their clothes off.”

“So it’s the least they could’ve done. We did just save their lives.”

“But Ron, they had been ensorcelled, forced to prostitute their bodies against their will.”

“So they got to have sex with heaps of people.”

The doctor shook his head. “What if it happened to you. What if you had been forced to have sex with lots of men.”

Ron cringed. “That’s disgusting.”

The doctor nodded. “Yes exactly. So how would you feel if that had happened to you , then you were rescued. Then you’re rescuers asked you to have sex with them.”

Ron scratched his head. “That would depend if they were male or female.”

The doctor sighed. “The rescuers are male. A male would ask you to get your clothes off.”

“Oh” said Ron. “Then I would threaten to kill them .”

“Exactly so how do you think the women you rescued would feel.”

Ron shrugged. “I don’t know. They didn’t threaten to kill me when I asked them to get their clothes off.”

“But it’s the same situation Ron. They too would’ve felt violated and angry.”

Ron looked at the doctor strangely. “But they’re women.”

“Yes Ron, but it’s a similar situation.”

Ron shook his head. “No its not. They’re woman, its normal for them to have sex with men.”

The doctor’s voice started to show strained signs of agitation. “Yes but they had probably been …”

Ron held up his hand. “No doctor I get. They may have done some woman on woman action. But its okay for woman to do that sort of thing. I really don’t understand the point of this. It’s a completely different situation.”

“You really can’t see the similarities?”

Ron shook his head.

The doctor sighed dejectedly then sank back in his charge. “Okay Ron. I suppose it is different.”

Ron sat with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I told you Doc.”

Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #11

Doctor Monroe tapped his pen lightly on his notebook as he observed Ron acting his usual evasive self.

“Come on Ron, “ said the doctor in a calm voice, “You promised you would talk about your mother.”

However Ron shook his head. “Sorry doc, I don’t remember that.”

“Yes you do” the doctor quickly replied “Don’t tell tales.”

Ron sighed, his resistance was mostly passive and overall he seemed a little flat. “I don’t feel like it. It’s too early today.”

“It’s three o’clock in the afternoon Ron. Come on, out with it.”

Ron yawned. “Can’t we talk about my adventuring, like the journey to the ruins.”

The doctor shook his head. “I’ve already heard it Ron. At the moment I don’t want to hear anymore about your whoring, golden showers or monster slaying.”

“What about the ghost demon…”

“No.” said the doctor.

“The time I almost got eaten by a hippo …”

“No.” said the doctor again.

“I haven’t told you much about AJ…”

“No.” said the doctor. “I don’t want to hear about your racist friend. I want you to honor your promise and tell me about your mother.”

Ron sighed again. “Fine. As I said she was a whore bag slut.”

“I need more than that” said the doctor.

“She ran a whorehouse, or a Bordello as she called it.”

The doctor nodded and wrote something down.

“So you were raised in her … Bordello?”

Ron nodded.

“What was that like?”

Ron grinned. “Awesome got to see heaps of tits and vaginas”

The doctor gave Ron one of his stern looks then said. “Be serious. So what was your mother like?”

Ron shrugged “Like a head whore bag slut of whore bag sluts.”

The doctor continued to give a Ron a stern look. “Enough of that language Ron. What was she like as a person?”

Ron shifted uncomfortable. “What do you think? She was in charge of a house full of sluts.”

“That must have been hard. Were there any male figures around?”

“Of course there were. Who do you think paid for the whores?...”, Ron’s voice trailed off, then he began to snigger. “Though sometimes girls paid for them. That was awesome.”

The doctor ignored Ron’s last comment and asked, “I know that Ron. I meant male figures that worked in the Bordello.”

“Oh. “ said Ron. “Half-orc guards. Lucky bastards.”

“Okay Ron, but did you spend any time with any of the male figures. A father figure perhaps.”

“I don’t know who my bloody father is!” Ron snapped.

“Yes Ron, but that isn’t what I asked. Did you spend any time with the half-orc body guards.”

“Of course I did, they lived in the same house.”

The doctor sighed. “Stop being so obtuse Ron. You know what I’m asking.”

“Yeah yeah, “ replied Ron. “yeah sure they were okay but no father figures.”

“What about the other prostitutes?  Where any of them your friends.”

Ron shook his head vigously. “Prostitutes aren’t friends. Mother kept telling me that. Don’t talk to the whore’s she always said.”

The doctor immediately started writing something down. “And did you?”

Ron hestitated for a bit then said. “Yeah. I used to … but I soon learnt better. Mother set me straight.”

“Oh? How?” asked the doctor.

“There was one I used to like, she was always nice to me.”

“How old were you?”

Ron thought for a second. “How should I know? I don’t even know how old I am now. Maybe five or six.”

“So what happened.”

“She beat me to hell and back, but what happened to the whore was worse. Mother cut up her face and threw her out.”

“Wow that’s a bit extreme. How did that make you feel?”

“Bloody hell.” Said Ron. “What do you think? The beating hurt of course.”

The doctor replied. “I meant how did you feel about what happening to the prostitute.”

“Mother said to get over it. She wasn’t worth much and hadn’t been making enough money. She then told me something I will always remember.”

“Oh” The doctor raised his eyebrows.

“She said ‘That all woman are whores, but prostitutes are the only honest woman. And that honest women are only good for one thing. And that wasn’t talking to or making friends with.’”

The doctor eagerly wrote some more notes down before suddenly stopping.

“Ron? I hope you are being honest with me?”

Ron growled. “You asked me about my mother so I’m telling you. She was a hard arse and taught me everything there is to know about the world.”

“I see.” Said the doctor. “It certainly explains your fixation with whore.”

“I’m not fixated.” Ron said defensively.

The doctor ignored his comment. “Ron has it ever occurred to you that your mother may have been wrong.”

Ron rolled his eyes. “Wrong about what?”

“About the value of women, thousands of men have fulfilling lives with a loving wife and family.”

“Yeah right, “ Ron rebuffed. “Look at them and look at me. They can have their snotty lying slut and children leeching of them. I’m rich and powerful, can rip a man’s head off clean. Tell me Doc who do you think got the better deal.”

“Hmm.” Said the doctor. “I have a wife and children.”

Ron grunted. “Heh. Then you’ll know I’m right.”

“You really believe that?” The doctor pressed.

“Are you the one now on drugs? “ asked Ron. “Seriousily get a grip on reality.”

“Right.” The doctor jotted some more notes down.

“Well I guess that will do for today Ron. Thank you for that.”

Ron shrugged his shoulders as if it were nothing and started to get up.

“Oh one more question Ron. Just a little aside. Did you really not know what a golden shower is? After being brought up in whorehouse?”

Ron gave the doctor a spiteful look. “No. Never heard of it.”

Then he left the room making a hasty escape.