Therapy Session of Ron Plunderman #17

Doctor Monroe sat listening to Ron with a less than pleased expression on his face. So far Ron and pretty much ignored all of his probing questions. Instead Ron babbled on with an uncomfortable amount of pride about his exploits in the ancient ruined city.

“You see, at first the inhabitant of each district put up a good fight, but as we progressed I think our reputation preceded us. We started encountering token resistance while the rest of the population disappeared into hiding. Sure there were the arrogant and the stupid that met us in battle, but the common folk, the grunts and infantry seemed to have better sense. Scattering to the four winds.”

The doctor opened his mouth as if to comment but Ron pressed on with his story.

“But the snake people. Oh it was glorious. I’d been wanting to kill those fuckers for some time, but Szariel kept objecting, fearing the centre of the city would be the greatest challenge. Oh how wrong he was. At first we skulked around, island hoping to avoid main island but eventually I put my foot down. No more girlie business. Szariel was unusually quiet that day and he didn’t put up the usual objections.”

“So we flew straight there, first we discovered a weird building shaped like a giant snake egg, we went in prepared for a battle but found it deserted. Just rags and butchered body bits. Next we went to the spire, via the main promenade and sure enough we found them.”

“There were fifty of the fuckers all lined up in a military parade listening to some human looking sorcerer who claimed to be their god. He spoke with way too much zeal and said ‘Zieg Heil’ an awful lot.”

“So there we were 5 of us, against 50 of the ancient snake people. The very same that once ruled these lands. As brazen as you like we started walking up the promenade until we were  spotted. Their hyperventilating ‘god’ almost had a brain aneurysm as he cursed and demanded our heads.”

Ron laughed to himself in glee, he almost had dreamy look on his face.

“And then it was on. Most of them started running straight to us. I waited long enough to for a good hope spell and a blessing of fervor and then I went at them. You see, knowing the snake people would be a common adversary I had taken the time to craft myself a special amulet of snake people bane. It worked a treat and I cut swath from them.”

Ron looked at the doctor. “Now I know what you are thinking, these snake people were just like most other humanoid races right? Where the common grunt is easy to kill right? Well no, they’re not like human, elves or goblins. They are not easy to run through, even for me I would need to hit them 2 to 3 times. But that did not stop me,  oh no. “

“I left a path of dead snake people, right up to where their ‘god’ was waiting. I think only one of them managed to lay a hand on me, but he was impaled upon my thorn body spell for his troubles. How truly pathetic they were, they even resorted to doing some kind of drunken mime artist maneuver, dodging this way and that trying to avoid me from maiming them. Heh. I don’t think I missed once. ”

The doctor cleared his throat. “Well um Ron, as much as I love hearing how proficient you are at taking sentient life, surely it was not all your heroics that won the day.”

Ron scoffed. “Not far off of doctor, but hey I know my place in this world. I don’t pretend to think I am invincible. But since you asked … let me think. Helga. Well she summoned two hound archons that quite ably managed to distract two platoons of snake people. In case you don’t know, hound archons are kind of like half angels and half Labradors. I’ll leave it to your imagination to how they came about. Anyway the only thing that kept them alive was their angel skin that these stupid snake people struggled to penetrate.  Helga also threw some lightning bolts around to soften them up a bit and she kept their ‘god’ busy by soaking up some spells while I cut my way towards him.”

“Dorian, well he flitted and pranced about the place in his usual homo way. Used a wind wall to help screen himself from javelins and juggled a handful spiritual weapons around the place. The sorcerer god had spell resistance and he had a torrid time getting through it. Also threw in a flame strike at one point and dispel led the ‘gods’ shield spell.  Oh and some emergency healing for Szariel and Helga as well.”

“Szariel, well after his good hope spell, he showed off a newly acquired spell. A wall of sound that surrounded one of the platoons, but they just marched through it, took a cacophony of sound blasts in the process which weakened them enough for one the Labrador angels to stand a chance in killing some. He also showed off his new rod of intensify, blasting a few snake people with another one of his sound blast spells. After that it was pansy arrow time, he’s not bad mind you for a part-time archer, it just that he needed about  4 or 5 shots take out a snakeman where I did it in 2 or 3. Eventually the snake people got close to him and hurt him bad, so he scuttled of into the distance to save himself and tried sniping snake people from a great range.”

“Gelik, will he did exactly what we expected of him. Funny jokes and an invisibility spell. Worked a treat. He’s a good boy my little buddy.”

The doctor nodded. “I see. And AJ?”

Ron looked momentarily confused. “Oh didn’t I tell you? We misplaced him. Woke up one day and realised he was missing. We then remembered we left him asleep underwater. He had a dominate spell on him and couldn’t be trusted to be awake. This was back when we were fighting the underwater fish illusionist. When we went back he wasn’t there anymore. His sleep would have run out way before his underwater breathing spell ran out, so we’re pretty sure he didn’t drown. Stupid fool probably wandered off somewhere in his ensorcelled state.”

Ron shrugged. “These things happen.”

The doctor sighed and shook his head, writing something down in his notebook. “And the god? Did you kill him.”

Ron nodded. “Mostly though Helga stole my kill. Stupid hag. Anyway I reamed him good. Death by bombs. It’s the way of new magic doc. While Dorian struggled battling spell resistance, I suffer no such thing with my bombs. Oh how wizards of old must roll in their graves. Bang bang bang. I’d just learned how to prime and deliver my bombs with greater speed, thanks to Dorian’s blessing of fervor I could throw a torrent of bombs in a blink of any eye. The poor snake god never stood a chance. He was left teetering, Szariel from afar tried to snipe him but missed … Dorian missed with his spiritual weapon but Helga got him with her Ice Tomb hex, she didn’t trap him but he died from the avalanche of ice anyway.