Ron slept fitfully; the lump in his side
had been growing larger causing him discomfort when ever he moved. He shut his
eyes tightly and tried to force sleep by thinking of women, lately it had been
Julliver, bending the dwarvish bitch over and giving it her.
A sharp series of stabbing pains from his
side almost caused him to scream in pain. He reached his hand into his tunic
and pressed his hand onto the place where it hurt. He felt something sharp like
a number of needles sticking into his palm. He pulled his hand away in surprise
and felt a sudden sense of foreboding. Was he sick ? Was something seriousily
wrong with him?
What happened next was completely
unexpected. Ron heard a slightly muffled though audible voice protesting from
his side. “Yo fag, get those poofter hands off me.”
Ron sat bolt upright and pulled off his
tunic. To his horror he saw a grotesque fleshly lump that vaguely resembled
some kind of rodent sticking its head out of his abdomen. In an instant he grabbed
it and threw it away from him, the creature hit the canvas of his tent and
landed on the ground with a dull thud.
“You cock sucker!” It protested. “What the
fuck do you think you’re doin?.”
Ron reached for his bed side tabled and
grabbed the syringe of mutagen ready to inject himself.
“What the fuck dude. What’s with you? You
been possessed by AJ or something?”
Ron hesitated, recognizing something
familiar in the creature.
“That’s right Ron, I’m a part of you … kind
of … “ said the creature.
Ron stared blankly at it until a glimmer of
understanding came to him. He had heard of such manifestations before.
Excessive alchemical drug and compound use can sometimes collect and form into
a sentient creature, in many ways similar to a wizards familiar.
Ron relaxed and looked at the creature in
more detail. He realized now that it looked more like a hedgehog.
“Fuck” said the hedgehog. “If you could
just see your face, you look like a complete retard. Seriously, like down-syndrome
retarded. I see I arrived at just the right time. Its time to set you
straight.”
Ron cast a quick glance at the tent door.
His tent was set up in the old military district of Saventh Yhe, within the
massive garrison that they had taken from the monkey men. Outside a few feet
away were the tents of his fellow adventuring companions. Ron wasn’t sure if he
wanted them witnessing the exchange he was having with his new ‘friend.”
“Come on Ron,” said the hedgehog. “It’s a
bit late to worry about the others hearing you. You should’ve thought about
that before you threw me across the room. Besides the only person around here
that doesn’t have super-tuned hearing is that super fag Dorian … but don’t
worry we’re speaking ‘Ron-hog’ it’s a made up language that only we
understand.”
Ron shook his head and lay back down on his
bed. Fuck he thought, this was one serious flashback. He closed his eyes and
tried to think of Julliver’s dwarven tits. (Come to think of it, he had never
seen dwarven tits.) However the hedgehog persisted. “You’re thinking of that
Julliver slut again aren’t you? Your pathetic. If that bitch says no to you,
then you just kill the bitch okay.
Seriousily your too nice Ron. Why did you ever get her reincarnated
anyway? She’s done nothing for you. Shit Ron, you’re lucky I’m here. You need
someone around that says it like it is.”
Ron closed his eyes and tried to will
himself to sleep.
“Yo Fag, don’t try to go to sleep on me…”
the hedgehog suddenly stopped speaking and there was a long moment of silence.
Finally the hedgehog spoke. “What. The.
Fuck. Is. That?”
Ron opened his eyes to see the tumour like
familiar sitting on a pompous white wig. “Is this yours? Have you gone full
fag?” The hedgehog said.
Ron shook his head and pulled it away from
the hedgehog. “No its not. Its Dorian’s. I’m enchanting it…”
“You’re fucking what? That fag needs to die
Ron. Get out there and kill him now.”
Ron shook his head. “No. Now let me sleep.”
“Well if you’re not going to kill him, you
should piss that wig off. You’ve got your own shit that you need to make. Just
tell that fag your enchantment failed. “
Ron shook his head. “No I promised him.”
“What??!!” the hedgehog nearly screamed. “
Who cares about promises? You rip that gay infested pansy wig up now before you
catch homosexuality.”
Ron started to get angry. “Hey listen here
hedgehog. If you’re a familiar then I’m the master, which means you need to do
what I say. I said shut the fuck up.”
Ron swiped his mutagen syringe from his
bedside table and threatened to inject himself.
The hedgehog backed away from Ron and
started to protest. “Gee Ron settle down. Sorry to offend your bum chum. Hey if
you want me to go so you can have some privacy when he comes over just say the
word.”
Ron growled at the hedgehog.
“Hey I’m just kidding. I know that aint
happening. Listen like I said I’m here to look out for you. These fags you
travel with abuse you man. You’re too nice.
You’re always running first into danger, taking all the risks while they
hang back and share the glory.”
Ron shook his head. “Shut up man. We’ve
pretty much slaughtered this whole city, they have their uses.”
“Uses???” interrupted the hedgehog. “Are
you serious, like what?”
Ron looked at the hedgehog with irritation.
“Well Dorian heals us ...”
“Get a wand of healing.” The hedgehog cut
in.
Ron glared at the hedgehog, “Wands cost
money and take time to use… besides he’s getting more powerful, flamestrike, spiritual
weapons, buff spells. They are all useful.”
The hedgehog rolled his eyes and huffed.
“Helga has taken many a powerful foe out
with a single hex.”
The hedgehogs spat on the ground. “Bah,
robbing you of a worthy victim. You don’t need her. Do yourself a favour, go
over to her tent and kill her now.”
Ron ignored her. “Szariel grows mightier in
battle and is a great source of knowledge…”
The hedgehog interrupted again. “No. No.
No. Stop speaking now. You don’t need knowledge you need corpses and plunder.
And what the hell do you mean growing mightier in battle? Are you saying after
months of adventuring he is starting to learn how to fight? Are you suggesting
that he’s getting as good as you?”
Ron wavered. “Well ... no but he’s effective
in may ways…”
“By Iomedae’s perky breasts you are
pathetic. Listen here, you need to lift your game. This is what you’re going to
do. Tomorrow you are going to fish that Red Mantis Blade out of your backpack
and start using it. It’s got heaps of powers and it has a piss weak
personality. You never need to worry about it possessing you. And if even if it
does, it just wants you to kill everything. So I see no downside.”
“You’re going to start spending all this
gold you have and buy some decent magic items.”
“Finally no more being nice. No more reincarnating
sluts that don’t put out or saving useless adventurers that get turned to
stone. Do you understand?”
Ron nodded, if only to make the hedgehog
shut up.
“Good. Now get some sleep.”
The hedgehog started to waddle out of the
tent.
“Where are you going?” Ron asked
The hedgehog sniggered. “I’m going to have
a little perv of that Juliver slut, while she sleeps.”
